Monday, November 28, 2011

The waiting game

Hope everybody had a good Thanksgiving.  Mine was great and had 4 plate servings of food.  I don't get to eat like that much often since neither Ana or myself cook very much.  It's almost been 2 weeks since I had an operation on my Sacrum and I figured they were not going to call me for results last week during Thanksgiving.  Can you imagine if you were the person who has to tell a patient that they have cancer right before Thanksgiving.  I would'nt want to be the one to do it. I called the doctor's office who did my surgery first thing this Monday morning to see if they have the results of my biopsy.  They want me to come in on my scheduled post-op appointment on Tuesday to tell me the results of the biopsy.  That's another day I get to wait and not know anything which is the hardest part. When I started my testing for a diagnoses at the very beginning of all this, the doctors office called and told me that I needed to bring family members in for this appointment.  My appointment wasnt until 4pm when they called me at 10am to tell me this.  The result could not be good because why else are they telling me to bring family.  My knees felt weak, I coudnt think clearly, and there was no way I was going to sit at my desk to work.  So my co-workers drove me home since I was drunk off anxiety and could not safely drive home. Now I sit here again waiting for a biopsy result because they don't want to tell me over the phone.  This maybe procedural that they don't tell results over the phone or they want to tell me "You have cancer" in person.  When those words came from the doctor's mouth at the begining of this road, all I could do was cry.  How could this be?  I was in excellent shape.  Other than drinking beer once in a while or have an occasional slice or two of pizza, I was more fit than I was in college. I didnt even know much about Non-Hodkins Lymphoma, and now I'm trying to kill it before it kills me.  Now I have to go through this again, possibly hearing the doctor say. " You have cancer again".  I'm not going to lie, I am getting worn down by all of this.  Going to work keeps me busy and I do like what I do most of the time but being at work when going through chemo treatments is not something fun.  It hard to keep performance at a good level while felling like you have a flu but I try.   Sometimes I wish I was all by myself so that I can just die and no one would care and be hurt that I died.  That would be to easy and selfish.  Fortunately, I have Ana, my family, friends, co-workers, and of course Hanson and most importantly myself that I have to fight for and beat this shit.   Anxiety is going to be  high, thank God I have a bottle of lorazepam. 

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